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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370349">when i'm gone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/misshawke/pseuds/misshawke'>misshawke</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Mentions of Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:15:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370349</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/misshawke/pseuds/misshawke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard needs to have an important conversation with Garrus about their future and he doesn’t like what she has to say.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>when i'm gone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i've always pictured a conversation like this happening between shepard and garrus but then i put it into words and now im sad</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus sat at the edge of the couch with his hands on his knees as Shepard paced back and forth in front of him. Her red hair was messy on her shoulders while she kept running her calloused hands through them.</p><p>He groaned. “Shepard, I don’t want to talk about this.”</p><p>She had been attempting to have this conversation with him all week, but this was the first time she managed to get him to listen for longer than a minute.</p><p>She huffed. “We have to. You need to get used to this.”</p><p>“Why are you so insistent? Why bring this up?”</p><p>“I know I probably won’t come back at the end of this.”</p><p>He flinched with her harsh words. “Don’t talk like that. Please, just don’t.”</p><p>Shepard’s hands pulled at her hair, letting out a harsh deep breath. She continued her pacing, steps getting quicker and more insistent. “No, this needs to be talked about.”</p><p>“But why? I know you’ve been acting like your life doesn’t matter, but it does.”</p><p>“Just listen—"</p><p>“No. Tell me why you won’t let up about this.” At that, her pacing stopped, and she stood in front of him, her anger radiating off of her body in what felt like flames. Her eyes snapped to his and her gaze burned holes into the turian in front of her before.</p><p>“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO BRING ME BACK!”</p><p>Garrus’ mouth snapped shut and his mandibles glued to the sides of his face. His eyes didn’t leave her as she started to pace again.</p><p>“Please…Don’t let them bring me back again. I can’t do it.”</p><p>He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Shepard—”</p><p>“No! If I die, just let me die and stay dead.”</p><p>Garrus slowly shook his head. “If there’s a chance…”</p><p>“I can’t keep coming back to life to fight other people’s battles. I can’t be used as a tool anymore, not again. Just—” Shepard stopped pacing and sighed before continuing. “Let me rest, please just let me rest.”</p><p>“I’m so tired, Garrus.”</p><p>He took in the sight of her bloodshot eyes, the purple bags that seemed to grow darker and darker each day. As she stood in front of him, he winced as he noticed the ribs that seemed to be protruding from her tank top. This wasn’t her. She was exhausted, averaging four hours of sleep a day. She rarely ate, and she pushed herself past her limits on every single mission. This wasn’t what he wanted for her, this wasn’t what her life should be.</p><p>“I--Okay.”</p><p>She looked at him, quirking her head. “Really?”</p><p>“If you have the smallest trace of a pulse, I’m not giving up on you. But beyond that, I promise I will let you rest.”</p><p>She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Just tell me one thing.”</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>He looked down, unable to meet her gaze. “Is that why you married me? Because you think you’ll die?”</p><p>“What? No.” Shepard took a deep breath before sitting next to Garrus on the couch. She took one of his taloned hands in hers before continuing. “Garrus, I love you so much and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, no matter how long that might be. If I have the chance to be your wife for even a few weeks, that’s what I want. But you know that even if we weren’t in the middle of a war, I would still want us to be married. I would marry you a million times, no matter what the circumstances. I wanted to be your wife, your mate, and that’s regardless of if I live or die. I also just…”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“I-I want to make sure that you get everything from me. With alliance regs, wills and beneficiaries can be difficult if you’re not married. And I just want everything to be yours.”</p><p>“Shepard, I don’t need your stuff or your money.”</p><p>“I don’t have a lot of stuff. I’m a military brat, I live light. But there’s…a lot of other stuff I haven’t exactly discussed with you.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I’ve been a soldier for over a decade and I’ve barely spent a credit my whole life. Plus, the alliance money from when dad died. I…” she hesitated before continuing. “I have a lot of money. And I have specific things that I want to be done with it. Liara knows all of my account information and exactly what I want, so I told her to talk to you when—”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear it from Liara, I want to hear it from you. Just talk to me, Shepard. Please.”</p><p>She hesitated before sitting up and retrieving the datapad from the coffee table in front of them. She swiped a few screens and typed a few numbers before handing it over to Garrus. He took it, seeing numbers fill the screen. Really, really large numbers. Shepard leaned over, pointing out parts of the screen.</p><p>“This first account is for the scholarship fund that I was part of as a trainee. I’ve been saving up for a while, and I want the money to continue going towards new recruits.”</p><p><em>The N7 Scholarship Fund</em> it read. Garrus had heard all about Shepard’s life as a soldier, except for the years she was in N7 training. He’d heard all the stories and rumors about those in the program; it was supposed to be ruthless, exhausting, and damn near impossible. There was a reason Shepard was the only N7 he knew, and she deserved it. He looked over at her as she scrolled and continued.</p><p>“This one is for Reed and his medical care. I’m not sure it’ll be enough, but it should go towards hospital bills, his caretakers, and his education.”</p><p>Garrus rarely ever heard her talk about her brother in the time he’d known her’ it was a sensitive subject and he hadn’t dared push her. He took a breath as she continued, watching her eyes glance over the screen in determination before scrolling again and sitting back.</p><p>“This last one is what’s leftover, and it’s directed to go into your account. It’s not much, but—”</p><p>His breath hitched before he opened his mouth. “Shepard…” Those were more zeroes than he had ever seen in a bank account. Had she always had this many credits to her name?</p><p>“Just take it and use it to get yourself a nice place and rebuild. Have your big turian wedding and have turian babies and just be happy, okay?”</p><p>“Shepard, a few things. One, I have told you a million times that turians mate for life. You are already my bondmate until the end of time. There will be no wedding without you in it. No turian babies without you as their mother. And two, I don’t need this money, I can’t take this.”<br/>“You deserve it and I want you to have it. I want you to be able to have a life after me, Garrus. I want to know that you can be happy.”</p><p>“There is no life after you.” She gave him a pointed look. “But I promise I’ll make good use of it. In this hypothetical future, of course.”</p><p>She set her datapad to the side before leaning into his side. His arm came around her shoulders while he pulled her close. She nuzzled into his side, soaking in his company.</p><p>“Thank you. I know you didn’t want to hear any of this, but it’s important to me. I want to know you’re taken care of no matter what.”</p><p>His free hand ran a talon in her fiery hair, his subvocals almost purring. “I know. And hey, you promise that when it comes down to it when this whole thing comes to an end, you’ll do your best to stay alive?”</p><p>She smiled softly, a genuine smile that she only reserved for him. “Anything for you.”</p>
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